Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"Rican" Roulette

It's time for a new game we'll call "Rican" Roulette. You can play this game unexpectedly at a moments notice and can play it with other people or play it alone. It can ONLY be played in Puerto Rico. Spin the wheel and see where the little ball lands...
-THE BANK. Doesn't matter which bank. All you have to do is write a check (in this case to a roofing company). The recipients will call you because the bank won't cash it. Why? An "irregular" signature. Upon going to the bank it is because when you set up the account years ago they xeroxed only the top half of your signature for "the proof." Or maybe next time they will cash it. Depends on where the little ball lands.
-THE COLLECTORIA. Just try finding it. That's right, spin the wheel and drive around. You need and get a police escort to the unmarked, grafittied and abandoned building inside the unmarked gates. Here there is no line and they take cash only.
-DOCTOR'S OFFICE. You win if you can find it since there is no sign, no hours, no parking. Inside the dingy building (no it isn't a secret and illegal abortion clinic) there is a doctor or at least there will be when he gets there. You "win" if he shows up.
-STORES. Unknown hours and days they are open or closed. You win if you hit it right, the padlock is off and the lights are on and they decide to acknowledge you.
-FOOD WAREHOUSE AKA AREA 51. This is like a true game show. If you can find it you enter through the car wash -like hoola plastic, gather up things in your own bag, take them to the counter and have them add up the mystery prices. Yup. No prices or way to weight things. What a surprise.
-CHEESECAKE SHOPPE. Spin the wheel and see what there is to eat. Oh, they have food? Yes they do but no menus or prices. 7 tables and one chair for everyone to sit on together as they wait (or you can stand in the dirt parking lot or wait in your own car). They also MIGHT have one of the 50 beers they claim to have. Just won't be the one you want. They HAD one of each apparently. Spin the wheel is it your lucky day?
-REPAIRS. Yah, they want to help you. That's why the Claro guy visits your house without a new box to replace the bad one. Or maybe he had only one and gave it to the customer before you. Who started playing today's game first?
-PRESCRIPTIONS. Spin the wheel. Walmart? Walgreens? Mom and pop pharmacy? Your prescription says 30 but you may get home and discover you paid for 30 and got 1. You are supposed to know you have to go back whenever they get the rest. Spin again and maybe they will have the dosage you got before...or maybe they will claim they don't have that any more.
-FOOD. 5 people order pizza. "Do you have mushrooms?" "Si." "Do you have olives?""Si." When the pizza comes (if it does) it doesn't have either olives or mushrooms because they don't have them. Instead, you get what they have. Oh, and statistically only 2 of the 5 people will get a correct order or anything at all.

If you play enough you are bound to "win" but your chances are as good as buying a roadside lottery ticket!


Anonymous said...

It would be funnier it these things weren't true.

Fran and Steve said...

That's just crazy. Here on the eastern side, 50% of that stuff never happens, 50% of that stuff occasionally happens, but not enough to ruin our day. Maybe it's because it's more urban here. I was impressed with the condition of the roads on the western side compared to here in the east. Probably because of less population there. -- Fran

Anonymous said...

Fran, I am wondering if we made a mistake living in the last two places we lived. Houses are so close together here and we saw how noisy things are here. We looked for houses that were father away from each other so we didn’t have to hear the neighbors all the time. It seemed the farther away we were the worse things got. I guess with fewer people around it easier to dump off animals and trash. I just can’t imagine it being better with 10X the number of people around in the same area.